Breaking free from People-pleasing
Introduction
In a world that often praises selflessness, being a people-pleaser might seem like a great way to strive to be. After all, what could be wrong with making others happy or comfortable? But when the need to please others comes at the expense of your own well-being, it can lead to anxiety, burnout, and resentment (among other potential consequences) . If you find yourself constantly putting others' needs above your own, it might be time to take a step back and reassess.
Understanding People-Pleasing Tendencies
People-pleasing is more than just being nice—it's a pattern of behavior where you prioritize others' approval at the expense of your own needs. This can manifest in various ways:
Difficulty Saying No: You find it hard to refuse requests, even when you're overwhelmed or just not interested.
Fear of Conflict: You avoid disagreements at all costs, often agreeing with others just to maintain the peace.
Seeking Validation: Your self-worth is highly tied to how others perceive you, leading you to constantly seek praise and approval.
Overcommitting: You take on more responsibilities than you can handle, leading to stress and burnout.
While these behaviors may seem harmless (at least at first), they can erode your self-esteem and lead to feelings of inadequacy and frustration.
The Impact of People-Pleasing on Mental Health
When you consistently prioritize others over yourself, you may experience:
Chronic Stress: Constantly striving to meet others' expectations can leave you feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.
Resentment: Over time, suppressing your own needs can lead to bitterness and resentment toward those you’re trying to please.
Loss of Identity: By focusing so much on others, you may lose touch with your own desires, values, and sense of self.
Anxiety and Depression: The pressure to be perfect in others' eyes can contribute to anxiety, and the inability to meet these unrealistic standards can lead to feelings of depression.
Steps to Overcome People-Pleasing Tendencies
Recognize the Behavior
The first step in overcoming people-pleasing is awareness. Take note of situations where you feel compelled to put others' needs above your own. What thoughts or fears are driving this behavior? Understanding the origin(s) of people people can help you start making changes.
Get Curious With Your Thoughts
People-pleasers often have unhelpful thoughts, such as "I must be liked by everyone" or "If I say no, they'll think I'm selfish." Get curious with these thoughts by asking yourself, "Is this really true?" or "What would happen if I put my needs first?"
Practice Saying No
Saying no can be daunting, but it's a crucial skill to develop. Start small—decline a minor request or suggest an alternative that works better for you. Over time, you'll build confidence in setting this boundary.
Set Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are essential for maintaining your well-being. Identify areas where you're overextending yourself and set clear limits. Remember, setting boundaries isn’t about being selfish—it’s about protecting your overall health and creating safety in relationships (with others and with yourself).
Prioritize Self-Care
Make time for activities that nurture your mind, body, and soul. Whether it’s reading a book, going for a walk, or practicing mindfulness, self-care reinforces the message that your needs are important too.
Seek Support
Breaking free from people-pleasing can be challenging, especially if it's been ingrained for years. Consider seeking support from a therapist who can help you navigate this journey and develop healthier patterns of behavior.
Some Last Thoughts…
Overcoming people-pleasing tendencies is a process that requires patience and self-compassion. By recognizing the behavior, challenging negative beliefs, and setting healthy boundaries, you can start to reclaim your life and live more authentically. Remember, your worth isn't determined by how much you do for others—it's inherent in who you are. Embrace your own needs, and you'll find that you have more to give, not just to others, but to yourself.