Overcoming Hyper-independence

What is Hyper-Independence?

As humans, we are wired to be in connection with one another. This also means relying on each other for support, help, etc. So what might happen when it becomes too scary, risky, or threatening to depend on others? For some, this may start to enter into the realm of hyper-independence.

Hyper-independence can often be a response from trauma and is when a person becomes entirely reliant and dependent on ONLY themselves while avoiding relying on others for support or help.

Common Ways Hyper-Independence Shows Up:

1. Difficulty accepting help or support from others

2. Stress and chronic burnout

3. Feelings of resentment and frustration

4. Overextending (taking on too much)

5. Perfectionism

6. Hard time trusting others

7. Difficulty establishing and maintaining close relationships

Over time, hyper-independence may lead to resentment, frustration, anxiety, depression, low self-worth, depression, loneliness, autoimmune and other health conditions, and many other concerns.

The Connection Between Attachment, Relational Trauma, and Hyper-Independence

It’s important to recognize that the way we relate to and depend on others is often, if not always, connected to our earlier attachments (and then other relationships to follow). Was there safety to depend on others consistently enough in those relationships? Did you also have enough space in those relationships to be your own person? Was there enough balance leading to interdependence?

If not, there is an increased possibility that someone would become hyper-independent, which may have functioned as a protective mechanism throughout the years.

How To Overcome Hyper-Independence:

1. Identifying and understanding the root cause. Working with a professional in therapy or another type of support can help you to understand the why.

2. Learn to Ask for Help

   Learning to ask for help can be a great challenge for individuals who are hyper-independent.

   Some steps to take in learning to ask for help can include:

   • Identifying what beliefs are preventing you from asking for help

   • Try to start by helping others who you feel safe with

   • Asking for help with small, less risky things to build up trust and confidence

3. Get curious, question, and challenge the beliefs that you hold about what it means to be dependent on others at times. Consider the ways that hyper-independence may not currently be serving you.

4. Surround yourself with those who support you and seek out additional support/resources as needed.

And, remind yourself that you can be an autonomous human with your own life AND be able to safely depend on others when/as needed.

I’m rooting for you!

-Dr. Janine