Harnessing Pain to move through suffering.
“Pain is inevitable…suffering is optional.” This is a Buddhist proverb that you may have heard before. At first glance, you might be thinking that this is a pretty insensitive/invalidating sentiment (at least I did). However, the more I have sat with and dissected it, the more I find myself reaching for it in the midst of difficulties and painful experiences.
Learning About Pain
Pain is an unavoidable and important aspect of life. Throughout our lives, we will all experience pain in all forms (physical, emotional, mental). We will endure deaths of loved ones, broken bones, broken hearts, rejection. And while we know this is a part of life, there seems to be a continued collective belief that pain is always and solely “bad” and/or “unpleasant.” This can be problematic as it 1). simplifies the complex emotion of pain and 2). if we are to buy into the belief that pain is ALWAYS bad and unpleasant, it may dictate the way(s) that we respond and the stories we attach to pain.
For some, the response when it comes is to do whatever you can to avoid or reject it.
Maybe this is because you had the experience growing up that you should “suck it up” or “toughen up”, which messaged to you that not only is pain something to be avoided but if you acknowledge it, you are somehow weak or not “tough.” Maybe you were told to stop crying or that you were “too emotional” when you were expressing pain…another experience of having your very real experience shut down and invalidated. The more this occurred, both directly and indirectly, the more this led to pushing your pain farther down or away in hopes that it would simply disappear. The thing about emotions, pain included, though is that if not given space, they will pop up somehow, somewhere.
Alternatively, other people may have the tendency to get overly attached to the pain.
Maybe you grew up in more chaotic environments and pain was a way that you made sense of your experiences. Maybe you were in spaces or relationships in which pain was confused with care. Maybe, it has become scary or seemingly impossible to have a different response/attachment to pain as it means potentially letting go of a strategy that has previously served you. Maybe you have become attached to the stories or interpretations that you have told yourself about pain (ex. if I’m experiencing pain…it MUST mean I am unlovable, defective, a bad person).
Pain vs. Suffering
So, what does all of this have to do with suffering? Well, let’s look at how suffering is connected to pain. We often confuse or conflate pain with suffering. However, as opposed to pain, suffering is a reaction and/or an interpretation of a painful experience rather than an emotion. As aforementioned, your reaction and interpretation of pain can typically be traced back to your experiences, people in your life, culture, identity, etc. and, over time, has become a pattern. It has worked for you, in some way and at some time in your life. It is important to acknowledge that AND that it may also have led to suffering in your life.
Suffering as a Choice
In a lot of ways, we are made to believe that we have no control over our reactions. That it simply “is what it is” and there is nothing we can do with the cards we are dealt. In some ways, this belief makes it easier or safer. Makes sense. If you don’t have control, there is nothing to change. If there is nothing to change, you can stay in your comfort zone.
And, since you are reading this article, I will assume that there’s some part of you that is at least curious about the notion that you have choice in your reactions.
You might be wondering, “well, that’s all cool but HOW do I change my reaction?” The truth is, choosing to do something different from how you’ve likely been doing something for years (or even your entire life) is really hard. We’re talking deeply rooted beliefs and ways of being. There are no quick fixes or straight paths. It is a process and requires action, intention, a lot of practice and trust in yourself. It also can be a pretty scary idea that you have the power to decide to try responding and doing things differently. I get that. And, on the other side might just be a shit ton of empowerment.
What You Can Do
Remind yourself that your pain is real and valid. Just like all other emotions, we were meant to experience pain for a reason. It is providing us “clues” that something is not right and is ultimately serving to protect us.
Honor and give space to your pain. Practice leaning into the pain rather than avoiding, rejecting, criticizing it. Explore ways that feel good for you to give your pain space (journaling, moving your body, reaching out for support, taking time to rest, cry, yell!, meditate, therapy, practice self-compassion).
Get curious with yourself about the ways you are attaching the pain to a particular meaning or story. Perhaps you are attaching it mean something about you, your relationships, the world. Once you get more clear on the meanings/beliefs, practice challenging and detaching from the meanings and beliefs.
Remind yourself that pain is temporary AND that you have been able to move yourself through pain in the past. Pull from what has helped you in the past and try out different ways to move through the pain.
Practice letting go. It will be hard. It is much easier said than done. And, by continuing to show yourself that while the pain may be less in your control, you have control over what you decide to do with the pain.
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